List of things I am upset about that cannot be made public

Tokyo Kosei Wind Orchestra - Star Wars Trilogy

Terrible feeling to be inadequate in something you love so much. To be fair, I'm still kind of new, but it is not an excuse.

A well deserved break from the world on a wednesday.

I woke up late and wrote in the book I haven't touched in ages and am feeling much better.



Reo Speedwagon - In my dreams

In your dreams you get what you really want. In the state of knowing I should be up to read my readings, and to fall back into non-reality, I chose the latter. From all my muted emotions the past weeks and even months, it was a relief to see all the issues presenting themselves to me in the form of dreams.

It doesn't matter if things are resolved in dreams, but completely different when I wake up. At least I know what have been bothering me. It's difficult when I have been pushing many thoughts aside recently - it's become a habit. Because emotions mean hurt and unproductivity. Be rational and life goes on.

Ok there's only so much time I have left here. People have been sucking up too much time in my life. I don't feel I am growing in anyone's presence, and there is barely time for myself. I'm sorry to say this, as much I do enjoy the company of some. Perhaps I ought to be alone.

Sleep is needed i feel stupid

most (not all) should leave me alone, i find myself an unbearably boring person to converse with these days.

To be honest, i don't care much about getting closer to anyone these days. I want to, but process requires effort and genuine interest.

And more frankly speaking, i think i'm just tired of putting in my all to things that might not even last. It is in writing that i find myself, not in talking to people. I need more time alone but i do feel slightly lonely. This is rather horrible writing.

felt so out of touch with the flute. I need to be better. Or get into a new section like I had always planned to. If they have space for me.


貝殻のうた

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the module on 20th century playwrights lifted my mood today.

Eric Clapton - I Shot the Sheriff

One word: eargasmic.

makes my veins dance and pop, SO SO GOOD.

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ZZ Top - Sharp dressed man


The Black Keys - Psychotic Girl


Derek and the Dominos - Layla

through his words i felt i saw a glimpse of what freedom could be like. freedom in the sense of being an individual, learning about the world. he saved up for travels, went off alone to a continent across the seas and had brief encounters with people like himself.

out of curiosity, and perhaps loneliness, we tend to be eager to tie ourselves down to another person. inevitably, the freedom gets taken away. love, in all forms, often robs us of the space to be ourselves. but maybe i'm seeing things the wrong way. love and freedom - not necessarily one or the other.

it is odd that i hate and am too used to the lack of freedom at the same time, such that i unconsciously steal breathing space from myself and others and regret it afterwards. first, i must learn to understand the space around me - how much i need, in what form, and when i need them. only then will you learn how much to give others, because things are not only about you or them. it is about the interaction of needs between two people, and it is a bitch to understand such things.

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certain random incoherent thoughts: 

it always seems like i'm ambivalent and unclear of what i want - but how is it possible to choose between so many things that keep me interested all at the same time?

i asked someone a ridiculous question - why do we need to 'see the world' when we could be happy living in our little bubble of only things that interest us?

the past two sleepless nights have been comfortably great as well. more of comfort than intensity as of now, which i've come to accept lately.

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been ages since i've had the time to sit and write without having to replying to others. It is 6:30 am afterall.

i know i crave this space, to be alone in my 'sanctuary' (as a friend calls it), yet i do agree to meet others simply because some make me happy. only a few can make you alive, but you do not know who will, and who are the ones who will surprise you - so you take chances.

everything is about the balance.

On this particular Sunday Morning, I am feeling particularly dreary from all the pent up frustration. I feel like I'm being left behind by the ones I care about. Yet I ask myself again and again - what can be done? You can't change people, you can only change yourself. Thank you for making me give up on all ideas of confrontation, I used to be so hopeful. I'm finally leaving you behind, because the futility of my actions tire me out. And I do not deserve this. We do not.

U2 - Ultraviolet (light my way)

Freaking amazing song and performance.